(Okay, I’m getting lazy and just using the date for the title of my posts now. )
I’ve been staying busy, creating more projects for myself. Maybe so many projects that I’m overwhelmed. You know how you get so many things on your plate that you just don’t know where to start, so you wind up not doing anything? I’m not there… yet. After I get the done, I’ll move on to the tile around the fireplace. My home office is also driving me crazy because I’ve stashed things in there from other rooms. Maybe today I’ll do some tidying up. Or maybe not. I need to color my roots too. I also need to get some actual work done. I guess that takes priority, darnit.
I was sitting on the couch the other night, on the opposite end from where Jeff usually sat, and just stared at his empty spot. I imagined him sitting there, laptop in hand as usual, snickering at something he’d just read or watched on some obscure site. He had a wicked sense of humor. I next imagined him pale and conked out on the couch, feeling miserable after chemo. What is it about my brain that leads me THERE, to THOSE memories, the ones that still tear me apart? Jeff and I may not have been deeply in love, but we deeply cared for each other and it was absolutely heart-wrenching to watch him go through what he went through, and to feel so powerless to help him. He didn’t deserve it. He was supposed to beat lymphoma and be better off, gaining some empathy and education, a new appreciation for the life he had been given. He had visions of his hair growing back in orange, so we were waiting to see if that would happen. He was supposed to share his story and encourage others, that they too could beat lymphoma. He was supposed to get active with lymphoma causes, organizing fundraising walks (or shooting matches). We could see our lives after lymphoma. Who knew it wasn’t to be?
Some conspiracy theory types say that a cure for cancer was found long ago, but because cancer treatment is such big business the cure has been kept under wraps. You also have your alternative medicine types who say things like baking soda or apple cider vinegar cure cancer. As with any “treatment”, there are often side effects. I’m still confident that the treatments chosen were the best attempts at curing Jeff’s disease. His cancer was just a son-of-a-bitch and his body couldn’t handle the treatment necessary to kill the cancer.
I ran across a couple videos on my phone. It’s nice to hear his voice, even though the videos are silly I hope you enjoy them too. One of these is already included on an older blog post, but now they’re both on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMxZKqXa2XM