New normal

January 6, 2014 in Lymphoma by Reta Reed

I know this is not the new normal. Not yet. The “newness” hasn’t worn off yet. But I wonder what it will be like. I know life goes on, but I can’t imagine a day passing without thinking about Jeff. Strangely, there were days when he was alive that I didn’t think about him. I guess I took him for granted. But now that he’s gone and he’s not texting me or calling me, his phone isn’t ringing that awful defective-phone ring, I’m not tripping over his shoes in the floor, the TV isn’t constantly on for no reason, I’m not fixing his shirt collar or telling him to wipe his chin, the remote controls aren’t buried in the couch… I just miss him. I miss him laughing and snorting at some goofy internet video. I miss his news and political updates. I miss his advice (“being an asshole isn’t illegal”). I miss him playing with Travis. He could make Travis laugh so hard he’d go into silent laugh mode. I miss his hugs. I miss his shoulder massages.

Oh, sure, the extra room in the closet is nice 🙂

I took the kids to dinner at Olive Garden tonight (compliments of the Wests – THANK YOU!) and a family sat in a booth next to us. I’m guessing there were older parents, a young couple and their, again I’m guessing, 4-month old daughter. They all doted on the baby. Such a happy baby! Then it occurred to me that Jeff won’t get to dote on his grandkids. And he would have been such a good grandpa! He won’t get to see his son become a father or fall in love or have his heart broken. Jeff won’t see Travis go to college or graduate from high school. He won’t even see Travis’s 4th grade graduation next school year. I know he’ll be there in spirit, but there will still be an empty seat next to me at those milestones.

My posts sound kinda depressing to me. Certainly I’m depressed, but we have good times too. We laugh a lot. We still have fun together, the kids and me. I’ve been getting with friends and enjoying their good company. I’m taking care of business as needed. Slowly making a new normal.