Whirlwind Cancer

April 20, 2013 in Lymphoma by Jeffry Reed

This may sound weird but things really didn’t sink in until today.

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. I went from looking like a drained vampire to having ulcers to having a CT scan that just blew everybody away. I spent the previous week before going into the hospital with the worse back pain I could not even explain to the doctors, and a feeling in my stomach like somebody had set off a grenade. I can’t count the lost nights  of sleep and the number of times I wretched into a toilet willing to sell my soul if I could just not puke one more time at home.  Who the hell would have thought I had cancer?? That happens to other people. In the hospital I couldn’t even lay in a bed the first three days. All I could do was pace to escape this pain. Pacing was the only option. Exhaustion would not even let me collapse because of the pain. Even then it wasn’t real. It’s like it was happening to somebody else. I remember my first sleep after 3 nights, in a chair with the hospital keyboard tray pressed against my head so I wouldn’t fall out of the chair. It wasn’t real then.

I’ve been home a couple days reflecting on everything and with all that happened, I just realized today it’s me that has cancer and it’s real. And of all the stupid things that make it real is this “power port” implant I have in my chest where they will be dosing my Chemo through.

This morning I woke up in my own bed thinking I had been through this dream only to feel this thing in my chest and it made it all real. Now how could I go through all this and just now realize it’s real? Maybe the same way I had this thing growing in my belly growing the last three months and not even knowing it’s there.

With all the doctors, nurses, visitors, time spent in the hospital……I know I may sound weird saying it…But it became real today.

Of all the things its the Power Port. As long as it’s there, it’s real.

Now it’s time to take the 6 different meds……like those don’t make it real?  Staring at the CT scan didn’t make it real? I mean that could be somebody else’s huh??? It’s got my name on it…..I know it’s me but it didn’t make it real. Being in the hospital didn’t make it real?  I just thought I was having complications from the ulcers.

That’s all it was. it wasn’t dual issues, it wasn’t something weird…..It was just complications. The whiter I got, the paler I was, the weaker I got it was just complications from the ulcers.

But no. Today I reflected and this power port and I are going be a team and I can’t wait to break the relationship. It won’t make it any less real to get rid of it, but it will be my key to freedom and the final nail in this chapter of my life. I’m going to beat this thing and burn the port with a smile. When it’s gone, then we are done.

I feel weird thinking about it, but I guess everybody needs something to make it real. For me it’s the port.